Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview Billy Zabka for PopLoad, and I totally took the opportunity to get him to say Daniel-San was a pussy. There are just some things in life you must do.

One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Haim.

To read my questions for Corey Feldman, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Haim

I always liked you better. The Affleck to Feldman’s Damon, you were always more fun to watch (druggies are infinitely more interesting than douchebags). Your movies were cheesier (which is a good thing). Your “acting” was lacking in a way even seminal master of the craft Keanu Reeves could make fun of (an even better trait - gotta support my boy Keanu!). You were the quintessential tragic example of celebrity gone wrong (your E! True Hollywood Story should be taught in acting schools nation-wide. It should be required viewing for every Celebritard than has ever spent anytime at Hyde. Lindsay Lohan should list it as her favorite movie on her MySpace page. Truly you are a sage purveyor of important non-wisdom.). And you were so much easier to look at than Feldman. I’m not saying I wish you were still around, because really, what would we do with you, but I do kind of miss you on-screen. Your direct-to-video work was exemplary; I must have seen Fast Getaway twenty times when I was a kid (I appreciate anyone who gives work to Cynthia Rothrock). Let this be our little secret… I was more stoked for Fast Getaway 2, than I was for Jurassic Park 2. That’s how much I dug the movie. And let’s not even get started on Prayer for the Rollerboys. Half of the reason I was a blader in high school was because of that movie (I really wanted an opportunity to take off Patty Arquette’s panties at a post-apocalyptic Venice Beach rollerblading rave. You lucky bastard. Look what you threw away!). Man, I just don’t know how you screwed it all up so bad. Why didn’t you turn out like Robert Downey Jr. He had to have taken as many drugs as you, but twenty years later he’s still kicking ass as an A-list actor, while you’re jonesing for your second dose of Methadone at the Toronto Free Clinic, desperately hoping someone rented The Lost Boys so you could get the .84 cent residual check and buy some Hostess Zingers. Why didn’t you star opposite Val Kilmer in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? Why didn’t you woo famed leprechaun actor Calista Flockhart in the unwatchable final seasons of Ally McBeal? Why haven’t you at least considered Prayer of the Rollerboys 2: Pray Harder?

So many questions… I truly hope you can right the ship, Corey. And I’ll be keeping an eye on the cable stations every so often, hoping I catch your scragged out face underacting opposite Jeff Fahey or some other such washed up B-lister in a grade-Z DTV flick just like old times. I know why Feldman didn’t survive (he sucks), but one of these days I hope to find out why you didn’t (my early suspicion? You suck too.).

To the questions!

1. What happened to your face man? Did you go to the same plastic surgeon as Mark Hamill? Or Tara Reid? Maybe The Joker? Gosh. Even Courtney Love is like “Dang, what happened to Lucas?”

2. Who nailed Nicole Eggert more on Blown Away, you or Feldman? Yeah, it was you! Baywatch babes don’t bump uglies with pug-looking a-holes. Follow up question: How bummed were you that you cast Eggert before she got breast implants? The movie would have made at least $80 bucks more if you had some Charles in Charge plastic boobage on display. It also would have made more money if it was any good at all. Just, you know, by the by.

3. You once got to pull the panties off noted television psychic and former Alabama Worley, Patricia Arquette, in your (secretly kick ass) rollerblading movie Prayer of the Rollerboys. Tell me, did she ever use her psychic powers to predict that you’d go so bonkers with drugs and ruin your (not really) promising acting career to the point where you’d be begging COREY FELDMAN for some direct-to-DVD cameo love? And if she did, dude, why did you not heed her psychic words? Alabama Worley is never wrong!

4. Cynthia Rothrock. Did you hit it? Did she hit you?

5. Do you ever watch Grey’s Anatomy and think how much you want to violently destroy Patrick Dempsey for stealing the big comeback you so richly don’t deserve? Follow up question: if you were on Grey’s Anatomy, what do you think your “Mc” nickname would be? Dr. McDruggy? Dr. McDouchebag? No, it would be Dr. McUgly, wouldn’t it? Yeah, that’s the one.

6. Why haven’t you called in a favor from Keifer Sutherland and gotten yourself a role on 24? After all, he helped out C.Thomas Howell, and that guy sucks almost as much as you (Side Out, notwithstanding)!

7. Heather Graham. Please tell me you hit that. And, if so, did she wear rollerskates to bed?

8. Who’d you piss off not to get invited onto The Surreal Life? Even stupid Balki Bartokomus got on there and he’s done even less to benefit cinema than you (Meego, notwithstanding).

9. What do these numbers have in common? “24” “62.87” “0” “14.50” and “-7.49”? They’re the grosses of your last five movies. Just thought you might want to know. Yeah, the moneymen for Snowboard Academy might be looking to get a refund from you.

10. How much do you remember from the 90’s? Eight days? A combined four months? Do you even know what The Matrix is? Maybe your former colleague, global megastar Keanu Reeves can explain it to you.

Whoa.

Bangarang!

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Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview Billy Zabka for PopLoad, , and I totally took the opportunity to get him to say Daniel-San was a pussy. There are just some things in life you must do.

One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Feldman.

To read my questions for Corey Haim, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Feldman

Oh, Corey Feldman, how long I’ve waiting to grill you on your career. The rise, the fall, the MJ period, your inexplicable hookup with Vanessa Marcil, a girl so out of your league they haven’t even invented the sport she plays, your legendary assholish stint on The Surreal Life, why you seem intent on running into me at random locations in The Valley wearing only flannel pajama pants and a ripped t-shirt, and most of all, how someone so pug-faced, obnoxious and patently unlikeable could have had such an illustrious career (assuming you can consider Meatballs 4, The burbs and Lipstick Camera, illustrious). Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I hope your comeback is gratifying, financially successful and most of all, extremely short-lived. You suck, Corey Feldman. You truly, truly suck.

To the questions!

1. Who was more stoned on the set of “Dream A Little Dream”, you, Haim or the writer? Because that shit made no sense!

2. How was the airtime divided between you and Haim for your joint E! True Hollywood Story? Did you do best of seven rock, paper, scissors? Did you flip a coin? Was there a hair-gel off? Or, like, first to not O.D. on illegal Mexican horse tranquilizers gets the right of first refusal on the lead segment? Inquiring minds want to know.

3. How bummed were you that Chris O’Donnell stole the role of Robin in Batman Forever from you? Did you have to add nipples to your Michael Jackson suit just to calm your bruised ego?

4. Speaking of the king of pop, do you and Macauley Culkin ever meet to have a good cry together?

5. Does Jerry O’Connell ever call you up and just start laughing? Don’t fret though, maybe he can get you a part on his hit primetime network drama. Or as the stunt double for the kangaroo in Kangaroo Jack 2. Or maybe his bangin’ supermodel fiancée can set you up with a heavyset girlfriend with a great personality. The O’Connell’s are known for their generosity (and skeeviness).

6. Do you remember an incident about ten years ago where you almost got hit by a car in the parking lot of Ralph’s off of Reseda and Devonshire in Northridge, CA? And then someone stuck his head out the window and yelled “Wassup, Dinger?” And you practically recoiled in disgust and bolted off? Yeah, that was me. Sorry about almost killing you. And for mistaking your character name from Dream A Little Dream. Next time I try to cripple you with my two-ton automobile I’ll be sure to reference one of your actual roles. Maybe Mouth from The Goonies? Or you could choose.

7. What’s it like to be thought of as the most obnoxious has been celebrity in the history of The Surreal Life? And seriously dude, I know you suck and all, but how is that even possible? You were up against the likes of pantheon douchebags Vanilla Ice, Tawny Kitaen, Jose Canseco and Dave Coulier. Truly this must be a career low for you. Even lower than playing second fiddle to Marc fraking Dascascos in the maligned Crow TV show.

8. How can someone so ugly have such a long career? The 80’s were a strange, awful time for aesthetics.

9. You were the lamest Ninja Turtle. That’s not a question, I just wanted you to know. Even dumbass Michelangelo was cooler than you. Seriously. I can’t stress enough how bad an actor you are. Like Sanjaya bad.

10. What color is Michael Jackson’s penis? Is it taupe? It has to be taupe, right?

Goonies never say die!

Bangarang!

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Reuters - International Business Machines Corp.
plans to start selling products from smaller rival
MySQL AB, a developer of an open-source database that is used
to help run Web sites, including Yahoo Inc. , Google
Inc. and YouTube.

Open Source Management System is designed to standardize and centralize open-source components within a large company.

AP - Sun Microsystems Inc. swung to a profit in the third quarter, matching Wall Street’s tepid expectations, but shares plunged on fears that lower-than-expected revenue signaled a slowdown in its core server business where the company has been gaining market share.

The two companies outline plans for Duet 2.0 and Duet 3.0, new versions of their joint business applications project.

InfoWorld - McAfee introduced its newest data leakage prevention technology on April 24, taking the wraps off a gateway package meant to compliment its existing host-based DLP (data loss prevention) software.

InfoWorld - CyberLink may have come up with the perfect software for busy sports fans around the world: an auto-editing program that turns sporting events into highlight shows as short as three minutes long.

Commentary–Acronis CEO Walter Scott answers questions for small- and mid-sized companies considering virtualization. Is virtualualization the right solution? What are the benefits? And more.

Federal court grants Internet phone company a second reprieve while patent lawsuit brought by Verizon proceeds.

Sometimes it’s OK to be wrong. Those times are when you thought someone didn’t like you and it turns out they did. Or when you assumed a movie would be terrible and you actually ended up enjoying it. Or when you don’t think you’ll find the right type of internet porn for your particular mood and then BAM, the internet comes through like a perverted champ. Or, in the case of American Idol, when the collective stupidity and hostility of the American voting public awakens to their own absurdity and end the reign of the long national nightmare named Sanjaya Malakar. If I had to be wrong AGAIN, I was glad to be wrong last week. It’s not ironic when I say this: Sanjaya out!

I’m not an insensitive person. I can appreciate people trying to do good. But something just rings a touch… false about Idol Gives Back. Maybe it’s the thunderous corporate sponsorship whoring. Or that the show itself is so superficial that the mere idea of them striving for depth and meaning is patently ludicrous. Or that we were a wacky water cooler hairdo from Sanjaya playing a part in this farce gala. But I just can’t seem to get behind the hoopla. It all seems so… fake. Ryan Seacrest is not Anderson Cooper, as much he wants so badly to be. And Paula and Randy don’t exactly strike me as people who care about anything beyond their wardrobe and residual rate. Simon comes across as the only real sincere person up there, and that’s because his frigid public persona has more emotional places to go than a former pop star and the bassist for Journey. But seeing Simon marvel at a food bank only goes so far. I hope I’m awed by the charity of the stars in tomorrow’s big benefit concert, but I’m leery. Here’s hoping I don’t throw up in my mouth the first time Ryan mugs for the cameras with some poor starving African child. This is American Idol, indeed. (blech)

But ANYWAY…. On to the bloop bloop review.

I liked that there was no mentor, as it would only have dragged down the pace of the show. Not to mention seeming quite tacky. However, I was really hoping to see Blake work with Bono. The level of potential awesomeness would be nearly unparalleled (the only thing that could top it would be Melinda dueting with Aretha, which I still think may happen in the finale). Hopefully I’ll get my wish tomorrow night. I enjoyed all the performances for then most part. The theme helps calm the Idol contestants down. They tone down the theatrics and just sing, which is a welcome reprieve after the vocal rollercoasters that were Latin and Country week. If we get solid performance nights for the rest of the season, this may go down as the best season of American Idol ever. Despite the Universe of Sanjaya.

As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.

Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!

1. Melinda Doolittle – She’s not even competing on the show anymore. She’s on such a different level of the rest of the singers that it’s not even funny. She looked like she’s been ruling the stage for twenty years. That was a pro doing a pro’s work. Absolutely flawless, powerful, emotional, STRONG performance. Compliments don’t do her justice. If she isn’t making records twenty-five years from now something went horribly wrong. This girl will be THE voice for some time. She’s putting on a clinic and her skills are free. Did I bloop her? Sha, right!

2. Jordin Sparks – Blake may have been officially penciled out of the finale with that performance. I wasn’t as over the moon as the judges (really Randy, the best in six seasons? Carrie and Fantasia are gonna bitch slap you for that shit.), but I was impressed. I liked her tone, her control, her fantastic final note, and thought she looked beautiful. The package may not be as polished as Melinda, but what’s inside is just as rich. Aside from Melinda, who at this point is really just warming up for her World Domination Tour, Jordin is the only Idol contestant actually gunning for the win. She seems to be getting better, where as Blake seems to be hitting a plateau. If she can keep up these bloop free performances I think she has a real shot at the finale.

3. Blake Lewis – Blake must really be the chosen one if the Idol producers went out on got him a John Lennon song. Too bad it wasn’t really worth the money. Simon was completely on the nose with his criticisms; “Imagine” is canon, and Lennon is to male Idol contestants and Mariah and Celine are to female Idol contestants. Blake was never going to compare favorably to the ex-Beatle, so his only recourse was to be as sincere and schmoopy as possible. And he succeeded in that regard. But I found the performance bland, boring and flat. And I was slightly offended by his outfit. You want to sing a song of that caliber on a theme night like that, you have to dress to impress. Blake looked like he was going to the club, instead of performing on a benefit show. Tacky, son. One-bloop’s worth of tacky. And I wouldn’t even mention this but I took Chris to task for it, what was with Blake looking down after every line? Is that his “sincere” pose? Is it just a bad performance habit? Why aren’t these kids learning to control their amateur bullshit? We’re four months into the competition!

4. Phil Stacey – The show was called Idol Gives Back tonight. And yet Phil declines to give back by covering his ginormous alien noggin. Stingy bastard. Phil Stacey hates poor people. True story. He also hates our eardrums, because there he goes again slaughtering a bunch of defenseless low notes. A week after he got praised for going country and he botches a Garth Brooks song. Unbelievable. Send the Bat Boy home. Or at the very least, double bloop his draggy, sludge-filled vocal. Simon is right, Phil doesn’t have a bad voice, per se, he has bad tone. If he had song the way he sang last week he’d be rubbing shoulders with Melinda up top. But the tone choice he went with sounded like a second-rate Michael Bolton. And Michael Bolton is a no-talent ass clown, so Phil wasn’t exactly starting from a great place.

5. LaKisha Jones – Again with Lakisha yoinking an Idol’s song? This type of musical thievery is punishable by death in certain cultures. I’m just saying (Did you notice that even Randy and Paula pointed this out? When you can’t bank on Randy and Paula for support, it’s time to change tactics.). Well, at least the song was in her wheelhouse. She still doesn’t look connected to the show, but she did sound better than she has in the last month. The right wardrobe, nice hair, classy performance, if a touch shouty (just saying…). And I still wanted to bloop the hell out of her.

6. Chris Richardson – Stop bopping your head! That better be an unconscious nervous tick, because if it’s not, then dude, you need to get right. Everytime you tic away from the mic it only serves to show pull you out of the emotions of the song. And when you’re taking on a voice of the emotional magnitude of Eric Clapton, you have to focus hard. Let me put it this way, if Chris had sung Layla the way he sang Change the World he would have been booed off the stage. And I think the judges let all this crap slide because of the brouhaha that went down last week, vis-à-vis Virginia Tech. That was a double-bloop performance. I don’t care if Simon, Paula and Randy want to gift him some slack, Chris needs to do much better because once we kick off Bat Boy, were coming for his nasally, buzz-cut head.

Bottom Three: LaKisha Jones, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey

My prediction for who gets the axe: Chris Richardson

The Jay’s Prediction Record: 2 for 6 (a measly 33% - I gotta right my prediction ship)

Bangarang!

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TechWeb - The acquisition represents the latest gulp in what has become an ongoing buying binge that began with PeopleSoft in 2005.

InfoWorld - SAP AG and Microsoft Corp. have underscored their commitment to their Duet partnership, jointly developed software that integrates Microsoft's desktop Office suite with SAP's back-end mySAP enterprise applications.

InfoWorld - Microsoft's Vista operating system took some of its first punches when a dangerous vulnerability was disclosed earlier this month, but the OS held strong, a security analyst said Tuesday.

InfoWorld - Red Hat said Tuesday it has signed a definitive agreement to acquire the business of MetaMatrix, a provider of data management and integration software.

MetaMatrix will join Red Hat’s JBoss middleware line, as the Linux seller outlines its JBoss strategy.

PC World - Microsoft Corp.'s Vista operating system took some of its first punches when a dangerous vulnerability was disclosed earlier this month, but the OS held strong, a security analyst said Tuesday.

TechWeb - A McAfee Datagate study showed 33% surveyed think they are at risk and that 60% of IT managers said they had suffered a data breach in the past year.

PC World - Microsoft Corp. asked the European Commission on Monday how much it should charge for protocol information, in an attempt to defuse the latest crisis between the regulator and the software giant.

InfoWorld - Did HP swallow Mercury, or did Mercury swallow HP?

Heavily lobbied by industry and consumer groups, politicians and regulators are still quibbling over details.

Adjusted per-share earnings top estimates, although increase in wireless-service subscribers was lower than expected.

PC Magazine - ANTs software plans middleware to make database migrations easier for IT.

Preliminary earnings announcement cites lower volumes in sales of equipment for wireless and other network upgrades.

PC Magazine - Sana Security today announced version 2.2 of the Primary Response SafeConnect anti-malware utility, which works exactly the same in Vista as in Windows XP.

AP - Microsoft Corp. has responded to European Union allegations that it is overcharging rivals for information that would make their products work better with Windows. The software maker also repeated its request for more guidance on what regulators consider to be an acceptable price.

PC World - For the first time, the Opera Mini has infiltrated desktop browser rankings in a European country, indicating that the use of mobile browsing software may be gaining momentum overseas, according to Opera Software ASA and market-share data.

NewsFactor - Microsoft met an important deadline Monday in its long-running dispute with European Union regulators, as the software giant complied with their demand for a response to their complaints by this evening.

Internet phone provider is asking for permanent stay to an injunction while it fights an appeal in the patent case it lost against Verizon.

InfoWorld - With the announcement on Monday of Salesforce Platform Edition, Salesforce.com finally unveiled its long-term strategy to become the sun around which revolves an infinite number of SaaS (software as a service) planets.