It rarely occurs to us what happens to video game characters after we beat the game. We tend to shut the game system off and go have some apple slices, but what becomes of the avatars of our gaming success?

For all intents and purposes, we’re watching these characters go about their day jobs. We have absolutely no idea what they do at night, or how they handled the glory of defeating the big boss, saving the princess or winning the race. Sure, some go on to sequels and cartoon shows and ill-advised live action movies, but for the majority of video game characters, once the credits roll, they are on their own.

And some can’t handle that kind of pressure.

Pac-Man buckled under the strain of his success. World renowned for his dot-eating and blue ghost devouring prowess, Pac was unable to acclimate to life as a celebrity. As the following video will attest, his life is a cautionary tale for all legendary 8-bit heroes trying to make it in the real world. What you are about to see may shock you. Pray for Mrs. Pac-Man. Pray for her.

(Video courtesy of the awesome website Super Deluxe!)

Watching that utterly hilarious rundown of Pac-Man’s descent into debauchery piqued my interest in learning about the afterlives of other classic video game characters. I became obsessed with tracking them down and hearing their stories of survival. Did they parlay their acclaim into a lucrative Super Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party Appearance business? Did they put their trust into the wrong animators and throw their lives down the drain? Did they become addicted to gold coins? I had to know.

So with my crack team of researchers (code names: Wikipedia, Google Search, Shit I Made Up), I went about uncovering what went down after the red Power light went off. After many years of hard work, I am proud to finally present:

Classic Video Game Character Epilogues

Frogger: After successfully navigating the busy streets of Metropolis for nearly two decades, Frogger was killed in a malicious aluminum bat attack. Two teenage boys later confessed to the crime, claiming: “Uh, huh huh, Frog Baseball rules!” “Yeah, heheheheh, Butthead licked his butt and got dizzy. It was cool.”

Samus Aran: After successfully defeating Mother Brain and completing her service in the military, Samus went on to pursue her greatest love: beach volleyball. She was part of a championship winning two-girl team until a betting scandal rocked the sport. She was implicated in a large scale point shaving scandal, and was given a life-time ban from the sport. Depressed, disgraced and in debt to her eyeballs, but with a body to burn (not to mention the ability to bend into a ball and roll around), Samus was forced to make ends meet as the featured Tuesday afternoon dancer at the Sparkle Spot Nudie Bar in San Antonio, Texas. If you look carefully during a private lap dance you can still see her bikini tan lines.

Mario: Is a pederast, and listed on the National Sex Offenders Watch List. The former plumber who shot to fame by saving the princess, only to be later implicated in her kidnapping, Mario was arrested and formally charged with felony sexual assault after he was busted in a sting operation that found him offering “free mustache rides” to kids in the park, in exchange for them “powering him up” or scoring him some “fireball plant”. He subsides on welfare and charitable donations. Find him on MySpace at www.MySpace.com/SuperMarioToucher.

Luigi: Abandoned by Brother Mario during an especially difficult water level. He eventually swam to shore on an unknown south Pacific island owned by the Hanso Foundation. He was never heard from again.

Toad: Found in a wheat field and accidentally smoked by a group of confused University of Wisconsin sophomores.

Link: The Wii Link is not the real Link. Nintendo 64 Link had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took Wii Link into his cabin and told him his secret. “I am not the real Link,” he said. “My name is Ryan, I inherited the sword from the previous Link, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from (SNES Link) is not the real Link either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Link (NES) has been retired 15 years and is living like a king in Patagonia.”

Ninja Gaiden: Works in the private sector as an Assassin for Hire. He claims responsibility for over 20 high profile deaths, none of which can be confirmed because, you know, he’s a ninja. He’s currently on assignment in the Orient tracking famed celebrity whale, Steven Seagal, for termination. Shhh… don’t tell anyone.

King Hippo: After a high cholesterol scare that resulted in a deep depression, the King decided to go on the Jared from Subway diet. Eating only two six inch turkey sandwiches (on wheat) per day, the King lost more than 200 pounds in less than ten months. Unfortunately, the newly thin King lost all his street cred and was run out of the boxing world. In an effort to shed his tarnished image, the King changed his name to Jonathan H. Ippo, and is now selling life insurance for State Farm in Tacoma, Washington. But though his name and occupation may have changed, his pants will still fall down if you punch him in the stomach.

Donkey Kong: Became a renowned Hollywood monkey stand-in, natch (Though he’s a touch disgruntled at being passed over for the Peter Jackson King Kong remake. They went with the uppity ape from Mighty Joe Young. Charlize Theron’s name has weight in this town, after all. DK was forced to take a lesser paying job as Robin Williams’ stand-in on RV, just to make ends meet. Hollywood is a cruel, cruel place.).

Simon Belmont: Married a nice Transylvanian town girl, became a father of twelve children, and lived out his days in peace. Occasionally he whips local boys for stepping on his rose bushes.

Double Dragon Brothers: After a vicious fight over the hand of lady love Marian (who was actually two-timing them with Ryu from Street Fighter), the Lee brothers had a falling out and have vowed never to speak to each other again. Billy took it the hardest and is now a drunk begging for change and challenging random pigeons to fistfights, in New York City. Jimmy moved to Hollywood and tried to make it as an actor. He didn’t. He currently works four days a week as a Non-Union background actor. His claim to fame is that he once crossed in front of David Caruso during one of his “put the glasses on and emote” scenes in an episode of CSI: Miami. When the director yelled “Cut”, Caruso spit in Jimmy’s face and cursed the Lee family. The lesson as always, do not fuck with Horatio Caine’s eye line.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Meth addict.

The Paperboy: Ambitious to a fault, the Paperboy excelled through the ranks of his daily newspaper, eventually becoming the Editor-in-Chief. After breaking the famous Nintendo Thumb Conspiracy story, he wrote a tell-all book that sold millions of copies. He went on to conquer the stock market, made a mint on foreign gun exportation and decades later is now the multi-billion dollar owner of a global news corporation. Though he was never originally given a name, he has taken to using the one he created for himself. You know him now as Rupert Murdoch.

Contra Commandos: Honorably discharged from the Commando Corps. Currently reside in Oceanside, California, where the two former soldiers run a T-shirt hut. Their best selling shirt has the Konami Code design “Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start” on it. They occasionally make appearances at state fairs, and are quite content with their lives.

Lara Craft: Retired from tomb raiding and moved to Hollywood to become a socialite. Is a frequent figure in supermarket tabloids like US Magazine. Recently gave birth to her second illegitimate child (Randy Spelling is rumored to be the father), shaved her head, bought a diseased ferret, had a botched boob reduction, got addicted to coke, stopped eating foods that didn’t end in “iggarette”, guest starred on Two and a Half Men as one of Charlie Sheen’s conquests, got into a fistfight at Hyde with Shauna Moakler and escaped the Promises Rehab Facility twice. She is repped by Endeavor. Her romance-themed reality series “Hearts and Craft” premieres this fall on Vh1.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed