And lo did the mighty Nostalgia Gods of Geekdom bring forth from Heaven a gift that no man dare dream could be. A blinding light of awesomeness many generations believed was mere myth. Today that myth has been proved reality. Our prayers have been answered. It is time to clear your DVD shelf, for our long, arduous, faith-testing wait has come to and end. Captain N: The Gamemaster, the fated son of 80’s Saturday Morning Cartoons, he who was sucked into the world of Nintendo to fight the villains of kick ass 80’s NES games (and hailed from the mighty land of Northridge, 818 represent!), has returned. And his journey was not in vain.

His renaissance gives relief to millions of kids who grew up on tales of his daring do in the mystical land of, um, Videoland, but neglected to capture this beauty on tape. One can only hope that this artistic resurrection will lead to the coming of the other great golem of classic animation. That being, of course, the legend of the Prostars!

So shall it be written, so shall it be boughten on February 27th.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

I always did think Vicki the Robot was kind of a slut. Of course, considering how and why she was made, I can kind of see why. There’s no way a super strong robot ten year-old stays dressed in a little frilly maid costume unless she’s programmed to. Methinks Papa Lawson was up to all sorts of no good in his robotics lab. He could have build a hot Tricia Helfer-like Cylcon and both ruled the world and got some hot ADULT robot ass. Instead, he build an apple-cheeked pre-pubescent girl and put her in a get up most commonly found in the back rows of Adult Video stores. Yeah, not sure the network censors picked up on that one.

Also, how awesome must it have been for the Jamie kid to have his dad build a cute robot chick to hang around with while he went through puberty? I bet you a million green dollars Jamie read the instruction manual on Day One and found out how to flip on her Spice Channel switch, if you know what I mean.

Poor, poor Small Wonder girl. From robot child TV star to robot internet whore in only twenty years (and she didn’t even get a part in A.I. Someone needs a new agent.). I blame the evils of 80’s TV syndication for her descent into the online sex trade. Somebody better start keeping an eye on Staci Keanen.

Bangarang!

This video was taken from “Casual Encounters”, a series of short comedy films that explores the sordid world of Craigslist personal ads, in a “Best of Show”-esque mockumentary format. Most of them have a laugh or two, but this one is obviously the best (unless they can somehow get ALF to do one of these. I bet ALF is all over the internet porn. In fact, I’m pretty sure he runs the website www.alienpenisnose.com. It has an Alexa ranking of 37,569.).

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

In any given year 300 or so movies will be released into theaters. And on average, roughly 47 of them will star Nicolas Cage. With so many kooky, Cage-alicious movies to choose from it can be hard to tell which are worth your time and which would be best viewed on TNT, muted, and in the background while you work on your computer, many, many years after its release. With a new Nicolas Cage movie due out next week (Ghost Rider), I figured the time was right to release this handy guide to determine the quality of Nic Cage’s movies.

So, if you’re watching a Nicolas Cage movie or considering watching a Nicolas Cage movie, and can’t quite decide if it’s bad or not, these 21 sure-fire red flags will make your decision for you (unless you’re watching The Wicker Man. Then you don’t need red flags, because it just sucks.)

(Ed. Note: I do like Nicolas Cage and his movies. I just don’t like some of them. Please bare that in mind.)

• If Nic’s hair is longer than four inches, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• If Nic is mumbling his dialogue in an accent other than his own, you are probably watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• If you turn on a Nicolas Cage movie and you notice Rosie Perez’s name is in the credits, you should probably watch something else. Otherwise you’re just gonna sit through a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• If Nicolas Cage is playing a musical instrument of some kind, let’s say a Mandolin for example, then you are watching a WAY bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• If at any point during the movie you hear this phrase: “Put the bunny down”, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Don’t be fooled, this isn’t meant to be hip, ironic or in on the joke of its own badness. It’s just bad. Walk away.

• If Samuel L. Jackson is prominently involved in any way, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• If you’re watching a Nicolas Cage action movie and notice that John Cusack is playing his sidekick, only he’s wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes like a normal person, because he’s pretentious and rebelling against the iron fist of creativity held by the major studios who make this crap (the same major studios who happen to be paying him millions of dollars to be in said crap, by the way), yet the fact that someone wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes (especially Lloyd freaking Dobler) can not ride a motorcycle, climb on top of a moving fire truck or help dispatch an uber-violent John Malkovich doesn’t give you pause, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. And are also mentally retarded.

• Do you like watching snuff films? Then why would you want to watch Nicolas Cage watch a snuff film? Put the bad Nicolas Cage snuff film DOWN!

• If his role requires him to have any muscle tone, for whatever reason, press stop on the DVD player and go watch some Family Guy reruns, because you’re watching a shitty Nicolas Cage movie.

• If even the sight of a blonde, dreadlocked, lips-to-11 Angelina Jolie can’t distract you from how boring, clunky, unfunny and out and out awful Gone in 60 Seconds really is (especially when Nic is getting chased by Master P. Like, huh? And also, shut up Giovanni Ribisi!), then it’s a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• Do not be fooled by the credit “Directed by Martin Scorsese”, you are still watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Turn it off and go watch The Departed instead.

• If Nicolas Cage is punching guys out, using double in slo-motion, blowing shit up and generally acting like a reject from Rambo-land, but the movie is NOT directed by Michael Bay, then why are you wasting your time? It’s just a bad Nicolas Cage action movie.

• Oh, hello Helen Hunt, good to see you. And what are you up to today? Appearing in a Nicolas Cage movie? Well, that’ll be bad then, won’t it? Don’t forget to powder the eight-head before your close-up. Wouldn’t want to blind the camera guy, now would we?

• If the director was stupid enough to let Nicolas Cage go blindly improvising into the night (Snake Eyes, I’m looking right at you), then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

• If you’re watching any Nicolas Cage movie where he’s wearing army fatigues, immediately get up, go down to the local army recruitment center and apologize for what you’ve done. Not only were you watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you were also taking a metaphorical dump on our military.

• If the Nicolas Cage movie you have on has the word “Man” in the title there’s a better than average chance you’re walking away disappointed. So make sure you either really like Tea Leoni (fat chance), have a soft spot for Wicker and/or Weather (Michael Caine softens the latter one), or are in the dire need of a Sam Rockwell fix (and really, who isn’t?), before proceeding with the watching.

• If Nicolas Cage is playing the brothers of Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz, well then… do I even need to say it?

• If the movie is a crappy remake of a crappy horror movie that nobody even liked in the first place, then you’re watching a crappy Nicolas Cage movie (another red flag: the involvement of Leelee Sobieski in said crappy remake).

• Angelina Jolie couldn’t hottie her bad Nicolas Cage movie into a good one (or even a watchable one). Nor could Patricia Arquette, Carla Gugino, Gina Gershon, Monica Potter, Tea Leoni, Amber Valetta, Diane Kruger, Penelope Cruz or Meg Ryan (to some extent). So honestly, what chance does Eva Mendes have? Be forewarned.

• If you’re watching the trailer for the new Nicolas Cage superhero movie and find yourself thinking “Nicolas Cage, really? Was Ben Affleck not available?” and don’t immediately freak out that you’ve chosen Ben Affleck over Nicolas Cage, then don’t bother with Ghost Rider. Seriously. Save your money. Catch up on your TiVo. Go see one of the Academy Award movies (other than Babel). Hell, just go back and re-watch Daredevil. At least that superhero flick had a drunk out of his mind Colin Farrell walking around being bald, psychotic, and killing random bar assholes with toothpicks (not to mention an in-her-prime Jen Garner and a cameo by Coolio). And even Ben Affleck as a blind lawyer / red-leathered crime fighter it isn’t nearly as ludicrous as Nicolas Cage playing a 45 year-old motorcycle stunt man who makes a deal with the devil to turn into a burning skull of fury (literally) and fight evil (played by Wes Bentley. Yes, that Wes Bentley, the plastic bag kid from American Beauty. I’m not even kidding. That’s the bad guy. Apparently Elijah Wood wanted too much money.). Yikes, is this movie gonna be bad, or what!

• Basically, if Nicolas Cage isn’t drunk, overweight, moony, exceedingly eccentric in a particular way (like, say, he steals babies for Holly Hunter), or bantering with Sean Connery, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

Thus endeth the lesson.

If you use these signs to determine if you’re watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you’ll never go wrong. And you’ll save money. Just another service we provide here at TheJay.com. Helping audiences avoid bad Nicolas Cage movies at all costs.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

Joss Whedon, creator of spunky, quip-delivering, leather-pants wearing, vampire killing, she bitch slayers, and the reason Sarah Michelle Gellar was unfortunately unleashed upon the world, has officially left the long-in-development Wonder Woman movie. Pressed for comment on his unexpected exodus, Whedon said

“Hey, I already screwed up the Alien franchise and the entire last three seasons of Buffy, did you really want me ruining another iconic female character? I totally would have had her navel gazing and pining for a hammy bohunk by act two. Also, The Jay, you’re welcome for Eliza Dushku.”

I may have made some of that up. Or all of it. Here’s what he really said, courtesy of his exceedingly scary, official nob-slobbing fansite, Whedonesque (seriously, don’t click the link unless you want to see the dark side of fandom. His rapid cult of fans make Star Wars geeks look Christian Slater in Heathers-cool by comparison):

“You (hopefully) heard it here first: I’m no longer slated to make Wonder Woman. What? But how? My chest… so tight! Okay, stay calm and I’ll explain as best I can. It’s pretty complicated, so bear with me. I had a take on the film that, well, nobody liked. Hey, not that complicated.

Let me stress first that everybody at the studio and Silver Pictures were cool and professional. We just saw different movies, and at the price range this kind of movie hangs in, that’s never gonna work. Non-sympatico. It happens all the time. I don’t think any of us expected it to this time, but it did. Everybody knows how long I was taking, what a struggle that script was, and though I felt good about what I was coming up with, it was never gonna be a simple slam-dunk. I like to think it rolled around the rim a little bit, but others may have differing views.

The worst thing that can happen in this scenario is that the studio just keeps hammering out changes and the writer falls into a horrible limbo of development. These guys had the clarity and grace to skip that part. So I’m a free man.

But most importantly, I never have to answer THAT question again!!!! And you don’t have to link to every rumor site! Finally and forever: I never had an actress picked out, or even a consistant front-runner. I didn’t have time to waste on casting when I was so busy air-balling on the script. (No! Rim! There was rim!) That’s the greatest relief of all. I can do interviews again!

-j.

ps All right, it was Cobie Smulders. Sorry, Cobes.

That’s all fine and mildly witty (much like the entirety of Xander Harris), but I could care less about the entire project, so can we take notice of what was really important in that statement? He was going to cast Cobie Smulders.

Robin Sparkles as Wonder Woman!

That would have been, dare I say it, legendary! Not only is the How I Met Your Mother hottie the spitting image of the Amazononian warrior, she’s also a terrifically talented actress. Great comedic timing, has the best innocent porn name in Hollywood, knows how to use her sexuality as a weapon for both good and evil, courageous at laser tag, and to top it all of she’s great friends with Barney Stinson. And you know what that means; to get into character she would have had to Superhero Suit Up!

She’s a totally underrated TV hottie. As far as brunettes go, I’d rank her slightly behind Evangeline Lilly and about nine places ahead of either Gilmore Girl. After Barney, her Robin Scherbatsky is my favorite character on How I Met. This has some to do with her hilarious newsroom scenes with the hugemongous prick from Angel, and a whole heaping lot to do with how frustrated she makes Ted (I secretly kind of hate Ted). But most of all, I heart Cobie for this video:

How awesome is that video, on a scale one to ten? Infinity. That video is infinity cool.

I can’t believe no one ever floated her name before. The race for the WW role was as hotly contested as the last Bond flick, but I definitely prefer her over the litany of starlets that were rumored to have gotten the job at one point or another. Those being: Sandra Bullock (in this version Wonder Woman is kind of annoying and has A-cups), Morenna Baccarin (who?), Katharine McPhee (hA!), Monica Bellucci (closer…), Sophia Bush (please!), Charisma Carpenter (this would have made my friend Tim deliriously happy), Jessica Biel (fine, I guess) and J.Lo (F that noise! Also, see: Bullock, Sandra).

Now let me tell you how Joss Whedon could have made me the happiest geek alive (aside from releasing a tell-all book entitled “How To Make A Hit TV Show With A Huge Beeyotch As Your Star”.

I was a moderate fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I followed it mostly because it was the only show on TV at the time that used modern pop culture references; it had Seth Green (and I was loyal to him for his Wiley in Airborne), I enjoyed hurling obscenities at SMG, David Boreananas (sp?) was unendingly fun to make fun of (I haven’t seen acting that stiff since Rick Solomon flipped on the night vision), and most of all, the aforementioned Eliza Dushku (who karmically balanced for The WB for foisting James Van Der EightHead on us). But the show degenerated to shit by the fifth season (when she took on a Euro-trash version of Dracula that unfortunately looked nothing like Gary Oldman). And I was never into Angel or Serenity. Basically, Joss Whedon was OK in my book, aside from the Alien: Resurrection final act debacle and of course, giving unto the world SMG. But he’s officially in my cool book for wanting to cast Cobie Smulders as Wonder Woman.

But he could have made the most awesome moment in pop culture geekery if at one point during the flick he had Wonder Woman going to the mall (today!). I would have paid eleventy-billion dollars to see Robin Sparkles, dressed as the Amazonian Warrior, fly her invisible jet to the local mall. I would have robbed a fucking bank to fund that moment.

Robin Sparkles is just THAT awesome.

I was never that interested in a Wonder Woman movie, mostly because we already have a hot female action hero (holla, Angelina!), the film would have inevitably been as cheesy as the ‘70’s TV show (love the spinning) and because as much as I like Cobie, nothing really beats seeing Rachel Bilson don the Wonder Woman outfit on the first season of The OC in her ill-fated attempt to seduce Seth Cohen away from the obnoxious Anna Stern (reason #349 why Adam Brody pretty much sucks), but I’m one-tearing for what might have been had Joss stayed on the film. And I will always wonder what store of the mall Wonder Woman would have shopped at.

Who am I kidding? It would have so been Golden Lassoes of Truth-R-Us.

Let’s Go To The Mall, Today!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

Occasionally I work with a PR firm to help promote their projects. I’ve plugged Freedom Writers, Norbit, Blades of Glory and a few others. It’s no hardship for me as I would have probably written something about those movies anyway, and in one case it gave me the extended opportunity to rip two-time male Oscar winner Hilary Swank a new vaginis. Today I got an e-mail from them asking if I’d be interested in doing a write-up on Sarah Silverman (otherwise known as “the Jew’s response to Jenny McCarthy”), and her new TV show The Sarah Silverman Program, which is premiering tonight, 2/1, at 10:30pm on Comedy Central. I gave it some thought, some real deep introspection and finally responded “Ok, I guess.”

It’s not that I have negative feelings about Silverman, per se. She just doesn’t inspire terrific passion in me the way a coked-out Lindsay Lohan does, or a guilty pleasure Keanu Reeves movie does. I have a lot of opinions about her, but then again, I could name 50 things that bugged me about the second act of Failure to Launch. My point being, I have a lot of useless opinions about a lot of things.

I do think she’s a fine comedienne (in the sense that I never laugh at her jokes but don’t hate her in the way I fucking loathe dipshit joke-stealer Dane Cook). I can agree she’s mostly attractive (in the way all Jewish girls are attractive after three hits of Manischevitz at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. Though she might be the only Jewish girl I could bring home that Mother would actually DIS-approve of). I dig that she broke up the Jimmy Kimmel family (props to the homewreckers of the world! Holla, Celestia!). I respect that she bounced back from the brink of career death after saying “chink” on Conan O’Brien to become the nation’s foremost “Jewish female comedian we really hope doesn’t say chink on TV again”. She gets bonus points for being the catalyst for the opening scene of Way of the Gun, where Ryan Phillippe delivers one of my favorite pieces of potty mouth dialogue ever (“Shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head!.” Awesome. And you wonder why I’m on his side.). I genuinely admire that she put out her own movie last year where she sang, danced, mugged, and cracked jokes about the supposed rape of her recently deceased 92 year-old Grandmother, and that it was actually pretty funny (also it was only 72 minutes long, making it a near-perfect one night rip-to-reseal Netflix rental).

But I recognize that though I think all of those surface-y things about her, I’ve never really explored how I really feel about Sarah Silverman; as a person, as a comedian, or as a celebrity. I’d like to remedy that now.

So please click the jump to read my true thoughts about Sarah Silverman.

(more…)

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! What are you doing? You slay the world in 2005 and then fall off the face of the Earth, only to show up to the Critics Choice Awards looking like a Gwen Stefani stalker of the week. Despite popular opinoin, Gwen Stefani is not someone you want to aspire to be. Her music is kitschy, not memorable. You starred in the best romance and the best comedy of the last decade. Her husband is way un-talented, while your fiancee is crazy good at his job. At this point, Gwen will always be considered a fashion statement before an actual artist. You, on the other hand, have a chance to be in the top shelve of actors for your generation. But not if you continue down this path of not making movies and looking fugly.

You’re supposed to be classy; the antithesis of all the no-talent, skazzy Celebritard-wastoids clogging the internets (ahem, Tara Reid, ahem). You’re not supposed to attend social functions looking like Gwen’s slightly dykey third cousin. Your Notebook goodwill only extends so far, and the clock is ticking. So stop it. Seriously.

You were The Next! Get it together and start making some movies again, goddamn it!

Bangarang!

P.S. The Dark Knight is a good start.

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

I just read on PopWatch that Kelly Ripa is planning on airing her first Botox injection live on Regis & Kelly. While the EW.com is adamant against watching her to do this, I say what day does it air? I’ve always been intrigued by the inane and sometimes arcane things celebrities will do to make themselves younger, thinner and prettier. We always hear rumors about wacky beauty regiments, oddball diets (like Billy Bob only eating things that are orange), and other more absurd personal lifestyle practices (hello, gerbil). I commend Ripa for leading the charge in documenting her desperate attempt to remain Couric-style perky for another decade or so.

It may not get me to watch her show (Regis’s steadfast refusal to decompose like a good little corpse has become more frustrating than its worth), but it has got me thinking what other odd celebrity practices I’d like to see live on the air.

Maybe something like…

• Donald Trump combing his hair on the next episode of The Apprentice.

• Isaiah Washington doing anything on any episode of any show on The Logo.

• Ryan Seacrest flat-ironing his hair and practicing “Simon Sucks!” insults into a mirror before an episode of American Idol.

• Oprah Winfrey burning piles of cash on her show just for funsies (btw, Happy Birthday Oprah! Please don’t sue me!).

• Orlando Bloom talking about his “process” on Inside the Actor’s Studio (and James Lipton subsequently falling asleep).

• Barbara Walters unlatching her jaw and swallowing Rosie O’Donnell whole on The View.

• Owen Wilson showing off his, ahem, “Butterscotching” skills, on Conan.

• Sharon Stone searing the flesh off of Sudanese refugee babies to make the cream for her daily anti-mummification skin peel, done for a beauty segment on The Tyra Banks Show.

• Lindsay Lohan high-kicking on The Insider. Oh wait, I already saw that…

• Sylvester Stallone rubbing HGH cream on his old man thighs during a training montage of an episode of The Contender.

• Nicole Ritchie and The Olsen Twins eating lunch on Emeril.

• Nicole Ritchie and The Olsen Twins “working off” their lunch on NBC’s The Biggest Loser.

• Charlie Sheen chatting with hookers online for G4’s Tech TV.

• Tara Reid’s routine Sunday morning walk of shame on Entertainment Tonight.

• Jennifer Aniston getting her nose done on Mtv’s “I Want A Famous Face!”: Angelina Jolie Edition.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

According to media reports, famed question mark-sexual / crazy person / sometime actress, Anne Heche, has left Coley Lafoon, her husband of five years, and begun shacking up with her Men in Trees co-star James Tupper. Notice something: there’s a lot going on in that sentence.

1. Anne Heche, in her non-infinite non-wisdom broke up her family to bone a fourth billed TV star, adding another to an already long list of reasons her child will need extensive psychotherapy.

2. She continues her crazy streak by leaving her baby daddy to hook up with a co-star who will inevitably drop her on her nutball head the moment ABC gets bored of their show and the cast moves on to other projects.

3. The non-brilliant co-star, James Tupper, knowing all that he must about his new paramour, agreed to this decision. She must be crazy good in bed (pun totally intended), or he’s hoping for some lesbian relapse threesome action for him to feel confident in breaking up a family, even one as potentially nuts as the Heche-Lafoon home.

4. The producers of Men in Trees are doing nothing to stop this eight-car pile up. They have a confirmed crazy person as their star and they’re letting her fuck up her personal life to bone her professional life co-star. Man alive, they need some producing lessons. You don’t let alcoholics go to a bar. You don’t let diabetics go to the jelly bean factory. And you don’t let Anne Heche near the crazy pills.

Am I surprised by any of this? Absolutely not. It’s Anne Heche, after all; she of the sudden lesbianism, and more-sudden heterosexuality sequel. She of the alter ego “Celestia”, the autobiography “Call Me Crazy” (hello!), and the claims of being descended from extraterrestrials. Also, she was in that shitty Harrison Ford island movie.

When you’re dealing with Anne Heche you know what you’re gonna get, and in some respects, that’s kinda nice. You know you’re getting a very pretty, (in a slightly mousy way) above-average actress who at any time may decide to go walking in the desert for a week, speak all of her dialogue in a space language, or bang the script girl or best boy depending on what she had for lunch that day. Basically, you wager all of her talent against the risk of the crazy. A lot of people take that bet and do well. I thought she was great in Wag the Dog, Birth, Donnie Brasco, Volcano, Return to Paradise and Volcano (suck it, Dante’s Peak). But whomever puts their chips down on the Heche line has got to keep in mind what they may potentially lose, should they win (This contradiction is much like the Rosie Perez theory of winning and losing from White Men Can’t Jump, except Anne is infinitely less annoying.).

And this why I have no sympathy for Coley Lafoon.

I mean he married her; it’s like he was asking for it! He married her less than a year after she stopped rug-munching America’s favorite gay day time talk show hostess. He married her after watching her be interviewed by Barbara Walters, where it came out that she had been mentally ill for the first 31 years of her life. He married her after he had met Celestia. With all that knowledge in his head, you have to assume (or hope) that he figured something bad might happen down the road.

This story is just a microcosm for the way we must all treat famous/crazy people. You take all the knowledge gained from seeing their work, their social life and their behavior in the media and you make the conscious decision to accept their bullshit and allow them into your life, or you tell them to sell their crazy someplace else. Coley Lafoon had to expect that Anne Heche would screw him over somehow, at some point. He just had to. I remind you, this was not a stable person. Not even by Robert Downey Jr. standards.

That got me thinking about other people who have no right to complain about their problems. For example, does Jennifer Aniston really have a reason to complain about her marriage falling apart? She married the sexiest man alive and then let him make a movie with the hottest creature on earth. What did she expect was gonna happen? That their respective hotnesses would be repelled like the plus sides of two magnets? She brought this on her self the moment she became Brad Pitt’s lady.

While Anne Heche continues to entertain us with her total psycho-crazery (and not entertain us with her wannabe Northern Exposure dramedy), let’s take a look at some other people with no right to complain (after the jump).

(more…)

I’ve been finding myself enjoying the trailers for Eddie Murphy’s new “I can’t believe I’m in a Martin Lawrence Big Momma rip off two weeks before the Oscars. Maybe I should congratulate Alan Arkin in advance” comedy Norbit. Obviously, this concerns me greatly. I generally hate Men-In-Drag movies. And I downright loathe Men-In-Big-Women Drag movies. I don’t so much mind seeing Tom Hanks or Kurt Russell play the
“wow, that’s an ugly girl” bit for laughs (though Wesley Snipes and The Swayze in Too Wong Foo may have tried my patience a bit too far), but there’s something repugnant about comedians trying to wring laughs out of how grotesque a fat body looks. Robin Williams couldn’t do it for me, and neither could Martin Lawrence (either time). But for some reason, Norbit looks different.

Maybe I’m just more loyal to Eddie. Maybe I’m just hoping he’ll finally make me laugh again (I think the last time was my second viewing of Bowfinger back in 2002). Speaking of, whatever happened to Heather Graham? She was consistently great in a slew of movies and then out of nowhere she was on career life support. She went from stealing Boogie Nights away from Burt and Marky Mark to doing softcore nude scenes and guest starring on Scrubs, in like fourteen seconds. Who decided her time was up? She didn’t get heavy like Alicia Silverstone and she didn’t get boring like Natasha Henstridge, so what gives? Hollywood always trashes my favorite blonde hotties. I think somewhere there’s a landfill full of all the once-hot blonde actresses who now have no star power. That would be a hot (though probably high-maintenance) garbage dump. And if I had to guess who runs that landfill, I’d put my money on Sandra Bullock. How else can you explain her still making movies? This landfill idea definitely deserves its own column at some point.

But back to Eddie.

His continued relevance really speaks to how awesome he once was, and how desperately we hope he’ll be awesome again. I can’t think of another actor who has delivered such unrepentantly mediocre family tripe, and yet we support them on the off-chance they will one day take the shackles off and say the f-word in a Rated-R movie again. Some people miss Chris Farley. Some people miss The Chappelle Show. I miss Eddie Murphy doing blue comedy. Do I think Norbit is his long-hoped for return to edgy comedy? Not for a second. If he even says damn more than twice I’d be shocked. But maybe Dreamgirls changed him.

I hope, for his sake, that the James “Thunder” Early awards attention has made him realize he can still appeals to the adult demographic, and that he starts catering to it immediately. The success of the Shrek films only clouded his perspective. After watching those flicks make eleventy billion dollars at the box office, what yes man was really going to step up and say “Eddie, seriously, the kiddie stuff isn’t working. What about a Harlem Nights 2?” But Dreamgirls is that first ray of sunshine pushing through the clouds. And I think Norbit is the full parting of the sky. And that’s the man reason I’m supporting this flick.

I can’t imagine the embarrassment he must feel after finally receiving mass critical support and industry-wide recognition for his acting abilities, only to be forced to promote a P.O.S. Nutty Professor-clone that has no business on his new resume. His agents should be shot. Dreamgirls was on the Oscar short list before Eddie even signed on. They must have seen the dailies, or heard the buzz from the set. If they had any confidence in his performance, or in the awards chances of the movie itself, they would have pushed for Norbit to be moved back (or even shelved). Sure, Norbit is right in Eddie’s wheelhouse (nobody plays an entire cast better than Eddie) and will probably do great at the box office (what’s its competition, that Hugh Grant Drew Barrymore musical romcom? Right.), but all the goodwill and momentum generated by the surprise Globe win and Oscar nod is derailed by the America’s collective groan of “oh, there goes Eddie doing tripe again. Somebody call Dr. Docrappy”.

I’m posting these press materials as a mitzvah to Eddie. It’s my way of saying thank you for finally being awesome again in a movie; and of begging him to stop doing stuff like Norbit, and more stuff like Dreamgirls. And my eternal hope that a little love from The Jay means he won’t unleash Beverly Hills Cop 4 on us. I’m just not ready for another Judge Reinhold era.

The Norbit Trailer:

Click the picture to go to the Norbit official site where you can send people e-cards with random faces superimposed over Eddie’s. I had a nice sized guffaw by putting Donald Trump’s face over the Norbit Character Rosie O’Donnell’s ugly mug over the Eddie Fat Woman character. I finally found a use out of those two idiots.

Here are two more exclusive clips from the movie:

Norbit is due to be released on February 9th.

And just in case you’ve forgotten what it sounds like, here’s what Eddie Murphy when he’s dropping f-bombs and actually being funny:

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

My goal is to see 150 movies in theaters this year. It’s a lofty, expensive, time-consuming goal but one that I have no intention of failing. Do you know why? Because I will see anything. You put two people in front of a camera picking their noses and eating it, I’m there. I am notorious for seeing the lowest of studio drivel, to the point where my Dad bought me an awesomely bad blaxploitation flick for Hanukkah just to see if I’d watch it. And I did. For twenty minutes anyway.

I just love watching movies. John Tucker Must Die? Why not! Firewall? Where’s it playing? She’s The Man? Happy to pay full price! I enjoy seeing bad movies. I learn more watching crap than I do watching quality. You can see where things went wrong; where the director screwed up the coverage and the editor had to make due, where the actor zoned out mid-scene to think about what club to hit that night, where the story just plain doesn’t make sense and they’re covering by showing good-looking people just standing around looking pretty, or anytime Orlando Bloom shows up. Why would I want to watch Inside Man, a well-made film done by consummate professionals, when I could spend the time laughing at Employee of the Month, a film so bad the celluloid itself is embarrassed by its awfulness?

I’m not without a desire to see quality. I just need that quality to be my kind of quality. The films I look forward to aren’t always the same as your average every day movie geek. I’m not THAT excited for Transformers. I’m blasé about Spider-Man 3. And I could give a shit about Pirates 3, Shrek the Third, Rush Hour 3, or The Bourne Ultimatum. I’m looking forward to quirky indies starring cool actors, big “trainwreck potential” summer blockbusters, and awesomely put together dramas.

So in an effort to help you get to know my tastes better, here’s a look at the 17 films I’m most looking forward to in 2007 (in descending order):

Honorable Mention: Blades of Glory

Take a look at this hilarious trailer and prepare for an a-ton load of “magic junk” references for the next 365.

17. The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward James Ford

Quite possibly the most awesome title of any flick coming out this year. I dig seeing stars do westerns (this slot could have easily been taken by the Russell Crowe/Christian Bale duster, 3:10 To Yuma), and it’s always fun to see what actors look like with dirty facial hair. Brad Pitt, for example, looks great with his Jesse James dirty ‘stache. A stellar cast (Pitt, Sam Rockwell, Casey Affleck, Zooey Deschanel, Mary Louise Parker) and a kick title make a movie I anticipate, plain and simple.

16. American Gangster

Denzel Washington as a drug kingpin, Russell Crowe as the cop tasked with taking him down, Ridley Scott directing AND it’s set in the 70’s? Looks like somebody stole all the cool points from the awesome jar.

15. The Other Boleyn Girl

Natalie Portman AND Scarlet Johansson? On-screen together? Um, yes please. I could watch them braid each others hair for two hours and feel like I got full value out of my ticket. In fact, I kinda hope this flick IS about them braiding each others hair. Also, Eric Bana kicks ass and I’m kinda curious to see which of the two hotties he ends up with. My money’s on Portman, she’s a scrapper. I kinda think Scarlet would fold like an US Weekly if you fronted her.

14. Transformers the Movie

Ok, I am looking forward to it, just not THAT much. I don’t get my geek up over the changes Michael Bay is making; after all, Transformers wasn’t sacred text, it was a fucking 80’s cartoon show made to sell toys! Now if he were doing Voltron I’d be a little more emotionally invested. I’ll be there opening day, I’ll enjoy the giant robot fighting action and I’ll go home. And I will have been thankful I didn’t get into the hate ring with all the loser geeks who snot up the AICN chat boards. Seriously people, it’s an 80’s cartoon show about giant fucking robots. Let’s get some perspective.

13. The Darjeeling Limited

I’ll see any movie Wes Anderson ever makes. Period.

12. Southland Tales

I didn’t love Donnie Darko, director Richard Kelly’s first film, but I’m intrigued by his follow up. The cast is particularly peculiar: Seann William Scott, The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar (as a pornstar!), Kevin Smith, Mandy Moore, Jon Lovitz, Justin Timberlake and Christopher Lambert (The Rock vs. The Highlander would be so tight). It’s apparently a futuristic musical set in The Valley about a porn star doing a reality show and some big government conspiracy. I have no idea what to make of that description. Early reactions by those who have seen it say it’s either fantastic or it “completely sucks balls”. Like I said, I don’t know, but I’m intrigued.

11. 300

Full disclosure: I wasn’t a fan of Sin City. I liked the visuals and appreciated the style, but the writing was weak and the story was thin. Only half the actors were any good (hi Bruce! Holla Mickey Rourke! You suck, Alba!), and I was only really entertained by the Mickey Rourke story. 300, on the other hand, is a whole different ball of awesome. Same visual style, but a much better story. 300 Spartan soldiers taking on 1 million Persian warriors is something I want to see. What I’ve caught so far has been as beautiful, intense and flat out “cool” as anything I’ve seen in a decade. If this film doesn’t make serious MFU money, I’d be gobsmacked.

10. Black Snake Moan

I have a lot of reasons for wanting to see this flick, not least of which is that Christina Ricci spends the majority of the movie in a, ahem, near naked state. Other reasons to watch: now that Alpha Dog has been released, can Justin Timberlake prove that his one good performance wasn’t just a fluke? Will this finally be the film that gets Samuel L. Jackson off my “My Most Unwatchable Actors in Hollywood” list? Did I mention Christina Ricci is playing a nymphomaniac chained to a radiator, dressed only in a dirty tee and boy shorts? Seriously, it doesn’t take much to get me into a theater. But a sweaty, sex-starved, clothes-less Wednesday Addams will definitely do the trick.

(more…)

“Why is it spelled with two X’s?”

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

“Why is it spelled with two X’s?”

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

BEST PICTURE

• BABEL
• THE DEPARTED
• LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
• THE QUEEN

Overall Thoughts: Everyone, including me, picked four out of the five movies, but I doubt anyone suspected that the four sure fire nominees would not include Dreamgirls. Just a stunning snub! The Academy loves Clint, so it’s no great surprise that his Letters took the final spot, but it says volumes about how the Academy views Dreamworks. They didn’t even nominate Bill Condon for Best Director! I saw Dreamgirls just the other day and thought it was a MUCH better movie than Little Miss Sunshine. The former is an electrifying journey through the era of Motown; a movie musical of the highest order and a supremely difficult technical achievement. The latter is an above average studio indie, with characters I’d seen before performed by actors I’ve liked more in other roles. Who knew the adorableness of Abigail Breslin could take a movie so far. R.I.P. Dakota Fanning.

Biggest Surprise: None, really. Each film has won major awards this season (Sunshine just picked up the PGA Award, which by the way, has predicted the Best Picture Winner 11 out of the last 17 years. Interesting…). The only surprise here is the amount of supposedly “Oscar worthy” films that missed the boat. Children of Men, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Good Shepherd, Dreamgirls, World Trade Center, Little Children, Bobby (just kidding) and Borat all had early buzz but could not get over the voting hump. The only film I’m truly sorry wasn’t nominated was Children of Men, my third favorite film of the year, and a picture of emotional distance far superior than Babel.

Biggest Snub: Dreamgirls, like it could be anything else. From the moment this project was announced it was on the short list for the Oscar. Critics went out of their way to slobber on it. Even though I thought it lagged in the second half, I would still have put it in the top group. It’s the type of movie that just gets nominated. But audiences thought differently. Dreamgirls is not doing as well as it should be at the box office. I’m not entirely sure what that’s due to (an all black cast, a general malaise with regards to musicals, Jamie Foxx), but it just goes to show that the silent majority in the Academy Awards voting is the general audience. Not even a surprise win at the Golden Globes could silence the collective “whatever” of America. Telling, that.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST DIRECTOR

• Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, BABEL
• Martin Scorsese, THE DEPARTED
• Clint Eastwood, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• Stephen Frears, THE QUEEN
• Paul Greengrass, UNITED 93

Overall Thoughts: A fine class of directors who all better get out of Marty’s way if they know what’s good for them. If anyone besides Scorsese wins this race they will forever be the Michael Caine who stole Burt Reynolds’ only shot at Oscar gold. They will be the new Kevin Costner (who stole Scorsese’s last best chance at Oscar gold, when his Dances With Wolves work won over Goodfellas). How can any self-respecting Academy voter not give the award to the best dramatic filmmaker of the last fifty years, who HAS NEVER WON BEFORE? If Scorsese loses, I’m gonna come at the Academy like a spider monkey.

Biggest Surprise: Paul Greengrass. This looks to me like a “you made a great movie, but it’s too soon to nominate a 9/11 movie so we’re nominating you here as consolation”. United 93 is an exceedingly well-made movie, and when watched, it is quite noticeable how much effort must have been put in to make the narrative coherent and compelling. I applaud the nomination, and agree with the imaginary sentiment I stated above. If United 93 was ever going to be recognized by the Academy, here’s where it would have happened.

Biggest Snub: Bill Condon, Dreamgirls. What else does this man need to do to win an Oscar? He got the performance of a lifetime out of Jennifer Hudson. He single-handedly revived Eddie Murphy’s career. He finally showed the world why Beyonce is the real deal. And he took the film to picture when no one else in the last 25 years could. And also, it was really good. I don’t know, maybe he needed to put some Nazi’s in the picture? Or Abigail Breslin doing her Little Miss Sunshine pageant routine? Yikes, what a travesty.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

• Leonardo DiCaprio, BLOOD DIAMOND
• Ryan Gosling, HALF NELSON
• Peter O’Toole, VENUS
• Will Smith, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
• Forest Whitaker, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Overall Thoughts: This is the exact group of men that were expected to be nominated. I’m happy for Ryan Gosling, an actor I feel is at the top of the game. Let’s hope his dark horse nomination leads him to make more marketable films. He could very easily be The Next, just like his Notebook co-star Rachel McAdams. Generally though, there are no surprises here. Whitaker is the frontrunner and has been since the start. He’s taken most every critics prize, including the Golden Globe, and I expect him to win here, too. But he better deliver a damn good speech. I don’t wanna hear him stumbling like he did at the Globes. I want him to man up, take the podium and expound on the ups and downs of his career. Most of all, and this might just be a pipe dream, I want him to mention his stellar work in Bloodsport. Because when I saw him chasing Jean Claude Van Damme down the streets of Hong Kong I thought to myself, “Now there goes a future Oscar Winner.”

Biggest Surprise: That Leonardo didn’t push to be nominated for The Departed over Blood Diamond. I think he would have had a better chance with the Scorsese movie, than the one where he tries on an ill-fated South African accent. I haven’t seen the flick, so I really shouldn’t comment, but he’d have to be explosively good for me to not to think he’s the most American South African I have ever seen.

Biggest Snub: None

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

• Penelope Cruz, VOLVER
• Judi Dench, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
• Helen Mirren, THE QUEEN
• Meryl Streep, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
• Kate Winslet, LITTLE CHILDREN

Overall Thoughts: The most dignified race of the night, with three high class actresses, one classic in the making and Penelope Cruz. We all know that Helen Mirren is taking this award, so there really isn’t any tension in this category, but it will still be fun to see Judi Dench and Meryl Streep play the gracious loser card. In the game of “Helen deserved this, not me” I’ll take Meryl plus the points. Also, is it too soon to start calling Kate Winslet the Susan Lucci of the movies? Somebody get this girl into a a crippled Holocaust survivor movie and quick!

Biggest Surprise: None, though can you believe Penelope Cruz is actually living up to her early promise? Am I still allowed to call her “Box Office Poison” now that she’s an Oscar Nominee? (Looking at her imdb resume…) Judges ruling? YES!

Biggest Snub: None

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

• Alan Arkin, LITLLE MISS SUNSHINE
• Jackie Earl Haley, LITTLE CHILDREN
• Djimon Hounsou, BLOOD DIAMOND
• Eddie Murphy, DREAMGIRLS
• Mark Wahlberg, THE DEPARTED

Overall Thoughts: I hate this category. Where’s Ben Affleck? Where’s Alec Baldwin? Where’s Brad Pitt? Where’s Michael Sheen? Nothing against any of the actors nominated, especially Wahlberg (the only guy who truly deserves the nod), but far too many worthy actors were overlooked here. This might have been the toughest race of the year; I personally was pulling for four guys who didn’t get nominated, which says a lot about the volume of high-quality roles for men in 2006. I think Eddie’s gonna take it because he’s the nostalgia pick, but deep down I hope Wahlberg wins. He rocked it hard in The Departed; I remember walking out of the movie thinking that he had out-acted Damon, DiCaprio, Sheen and Jack. Plus, seriously, Dirk Diggler NEEDS to win an Oscar. There’s just certain things this universe needs to make happen.

Biggest Surprise: Jackie Earl Haley. Where did this guy come from? Screw Eddie, this is easily the comeback story of the year (and possibly of the last decade). To put his career nosedive and resurgence into perspective, it would be like Tara Reid getting nominated for Best Supporting Actress in 2016. Though I’d pay to hear that acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank Grey Goose, Red Bull, my agent, the door man at Prey, my idiot Plastic Surgeon…”

Biggest Snub: To win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor you need one scene where you blow everyone away. That’s all it takes. Wahlberg and Arkin have one. I bet Hounsou and Earley do. But Eddie Murphy doesn’t have one. Though he’s quite good in the movie, there wasn’t a single moment where I was watching him and thought “Man, he is killing everyone.” However, Ben Affleck had that scene. When he’s eviscerating Diane Lane for keeping him in the Superman suit and not helping to advance his career, I was stunned by talent. I’m a big Affleck supporter, but even I was skeptical about the early buzz on his performance. It was all earned, and him not being recognized for getting his career back on track is a damn shame. It’s Ben Affleck! Give the man a nomination as a reward for coming back from the depths of Gigli Hell!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

• Adriana Barraza, BABEL
• Cate Blanchett, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
• Abigail Breslin, LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
• Jennifer Hudson, DREAMGIRLS
• Rinko Kikuchi, BABEL

Overall Thoughts: This category is always the kookiest of the bunch. Abigail Breslin’s nomination is proof of that. She was the cutest thing I saw onscreen all year (Salma Hayek nude in Ask the Dust notwithstanding), but Oscar worthy? I don’t know. But none of it matters, because this race is already over. Jennifer Hudson deserves the Oscar like George Bush deserves a kick in the junk. Like Dan Marino deserves a Super Bowl ring. Like Rosie O’Donnell deserves a staph infection. When she belted out “And I Am Telling You” it was a call to the Academy to start engraving her name on the statue. She blew the doors out on every other actor last year not named Helen Mirren. For anyone that has ever doubted the merit or necessity of American Idol, this is the answer. To find artists like Jennifer Hudson.

Biggest Surprise: Abigail Breslin. In related news, Dakota Fanning has fired her agent, manager, publicist and Mother, and was last seen running down Sunset Boulevard, weeping into her Hello Kitty backpack and shouting obscenities at passing motorists.

Biggest Snub: Mario Bello, World Trade Center. She keeps doing fine work and keeps getting snubbed by the Academy. Is this penance for scarring the retina’s of everyone who watched her hold Bill Macy’s old man junk in The Cooler? You’d think getting down with Viggo Mortensen in the hottest sex scene of 2005 (A History of Violence) would even things out. I guess Bill Macy’s man meat is more career-damaging than we thought.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ORIGINAL SCSREENPLAY

• BABEL
• LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
• PAN’S LABRYINTH
• THE QUEEN

Overall Thoughts: I can’t believe Paul Haggis (Letters from Iwo Jima) has ANOTHER Oscar nomination! I swear on the name of all that is holy and good (aka my TiVo), if he wins over Peter Morgan and The Queen, I will never write a screenplay again in my entire life. That entire artistic medium will be ruined for me. And let’s not even get into Babel, a script that was bloated with emotional clichés, had no central narrative and was underwritten despite it’s exhausting two and a half hour length. My film student loyalty is to The Queen, my favorite film of the year, but my Geek loyalty is to Pan’s Labyrinth, if only to see the director of Hellboy win an Oscar. If Guillermo Del Toro wins for Pan’s and takes Best Foreign Film he will be the big winner of the night, no matter which film wins Best Picture. I can’t believe the director of Blade 2 has the chance to be the star of the night. Who doesn’t love the Academy Awards?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

• BORAT
• CHILDREN OF MEN
• THE DEPARTED
• LITTLE CHILDREN
• NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Overall Thoughts: Easily my favorite category of the entire show. All five films are eminently deserving of the award; all five films are fantastic pieces of writing, crafted by tremendous writers. The train wreck lover in me wants to see Borat win, especially after Cohen was snubbed for Best Actor (even though I wasn’t a fan of the actual movie you have to reward the creation of the character, which is easily the most original since Napoleon Dynamite). Plus, who doesn’t want to hear Cohen deliver another acceptance speech? What’s the over/under on anal air pocket talk at the Oscars, +5? I like that spread. Children of Men, despite being written by a conference room full of writers (five in all), was electrifying, tense, cohesive, action-packed, filled with truth and generally awesome in its depiction of a world gone crazy. The Departed pulled off the Herculean task of giving complex, three-dimensional roles to more than ten different people (and with Jack sucking the life force of any actor he faces, the odds were not in their favor). I haven’t seen Little Children or Notes on a Scandal, but their writers, Todd Field and Tom Perrota and Patrick Marber, respectively, are enormously gifted. I’d be happy to see any of the films here honored, which makes the race doubly fun to follow.

I just wish all the races this year were like that.

Here are my early predictions: The Departed, Forest Whitaker, Helen Mirren, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Hudson, Martin Scorsese, Pan’s Labryinth, Borat.

Tell me what you all thought of the nominations by leaving a comment. Did you favorite films get recognized? Was your favorite actor snubbed? Let me know…

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

BEST PICTURE

• BABEL
• THE DEPARTED
• LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
• THE QUEEN

Overall Thoughts: Everyone, including me, picked four out of the five movies, but I doubt anyone suspected that the four sure fire nominees would not include Dreamgirls. Just a stunning snub! The Academy loves Clint, so it’s no great surprise that his Letters took the final spot, but it says volumes about how the Academy views Dreamworks. They didn’t even nominate Bill Condon for Best Director! I saw Dreamgirls just the other day and thought it was a MUCH better movie than Little Miss Sunshine. The former is an electrifying journey through the era of Motown; a movie musical of the highest order and a supremely difficult technical achievement. The latter is an above average studio indie, with characters I’d seen before performed by actors I’ve liked more in other roles. Who knew the adorableness of Abigail Breslin could take a movie so far. R.I.P. Dakota Fanning.

Biggest Surprise: None, really. Each film has won major awards this season (Sunshine just picked up the PGA Award, which by the way, has predicted the Best Picture Winner 11 out of the last 17 years. Interesting…). The only surprise here is the amount of supposedly “Oscar worthy” films that missed the boat. Children of Men, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Good Shepherd, Dreamgirls, World Trade Center, Little Children, Bobby (just kidding) and Borat all had early buzz but could not get over the voting hump. The only film I’m truly sorry wasn’t nominated was Children of Men, my third favorite film of the year, and a picture of emotional distance far superior than Babel.

Biggest Snub: Dreamgirls, like it could be anything else. From the moment this project was announced it was on the short list for the Oscar. Critics went out of their way to slobber on it. Even though I thought it lagged in the second half, I would still have put it in the top group. It’s the type of movie that just gets nominated. But audiences thought differently. Dreamgirls is not doing as well as it should be at the box office. I’m not entirely sure what that’s due to (an all black cast, a general malaise with regards to musicals, Jamie Foxx), but it just goes to show that the silent majority in the Academy Awards voting is the general audience. Not even a surprise win at the Golden Globes could silence the collective “whatever” of America. Telling, that.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST DIRECTOR

• Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, BABEL
• Martin Scorsese, THE DEPARTED
• Clint Eastwood, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
• Stephen Frears, THE QUEEN
• Paul Greengrass, UNITED 93

Overall Thoughts: A fine class of directors who all better get out of Marty’s way if they know what’s good for them. If anyone besides Scorsese wins this race they will forever be the Robin Williams* (EDITED*) who stole Burt Reynolds’ only shot at Oscar gold. They will be the new Kevin Costner (who stole Scorsese’s last best chance at Oscar gold, when his Dances With Wolves work won over Goodfellas). How can any self-respecting Academy voter not give the award to the best dramatic filmmaker of the last fifty years, who HAS NEVER WON BEFORE? If Scorsese loses, I’m gonna come at the Academy like a spider monkey.

Biggest Surprise: Paul Greengrass. This looks to me like a “you made a great movie, but it’s too soon to nominate a 9/11 movie so we’re nominating you here as consolation”. United 93 is an exceedingly well-made movie, and when watched, it is quite noticeable how much effort must have been put in to make the narrative coherent and compelling. I applaud the nomination, and agree with the imaginary sentiment I stated above. If United 93 was ever going to be recognized by the Academy, here’s where it would have happened.

Biggest Snub: Bill Condon, Dreamgirls. What else does this man need to do to win an Oscar? He got the performance of a lifetime out of Jennifer Hudson. He single-handedly revived Eddie Murphy’s career. He finally showed the world why Beyonce is the real deal. And he took the film to picture when no one else in the last 25 years could. And also, it was really good. I don’t know, maybe he needed to put some Nazi’s in the picture? Or Abigail Breslin doing her Little Miss Sunshine pageant routine? Yikes, what a travesty.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

• Leonardo DiCaprio, BLOOD DIAMOND
• Ryan Gosling, HALF NELSON
• Peter O’Toole, VENUS
• Will Smith, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
• Forest Whitaker, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Overall Thoughts: This is the exact group of men that were expected to be nominated. I’m happy for Ryan Gosling, an actor I feel is at the top of the game. Let’s hope his dark horse nomination leads him to make more marketable films. He could very easily be The Next, just like his Notebook co-star Rachel McAdams. Generally though, there are no surprises here. Whitaker is the frontrunner and has been since the start. He’s taken most every critics prize, including the Golden Globe, and I expect him to win here, too. But he better deliver a damn good speech. I don’t wanna hear him stumbling like he did at the Globes. I want him to man up, take the podium and expound on the ups and downs of his career. Most of all, and this might just be a pipe dream, I want him to mention his stellar work in Bloodsport. Because when I saw him chasing Jean Claude Van Damme down the streets of Hong Kong I thought to myself, “Now there goes a future Oscar Winner.”

Biggest Surprise: That Leonardo didn’t push to be nominated for The Departed over Blood Diamond. I think he would have had a better chance with the Scorsese movie, than the one where he tries on an ill-fated South African accent. I haven’t seen the flick, so I really shouldn’t comment, but he’d have to be explosively good for me to not to think he’s the most American South African I have ever seen.

Biggest Snub: None

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

• Penelope Cruz, VOLVER
• Judi Dench, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
• Helen Mirren, THE QUEEN
• Meryl Streep, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
• Kate Winslet, LITTLE CHILDREN

Overall Thoughts: The most dignified race of the night, with three high class actresses, one classic in the making and Penelope Cruz. We all know that Helen Mirren is taking this award, so there really isn’t any tension in this category, but it will still be fun to see Judi Dench and Meryl Streep play the gracious loser card. In the game of “Helen deserved this, not me” I’ll take Meryl plus the points. Also, is it too soon to start calling Kate Winslet the Susan Lucci of the movies? Somebody get this girl into a a crippled Holocaust survivor movie and quick!

Biggest Surprise: None, though can you believe Penelope Cruz is actually living up to her early promise? Am I still allowed to call her “Box Office Poison” now that she’s an Oscar Nominee? (Looking at her imdb resume…) Judges ruling? YES!

Biggest Snub: None

(more…)

Russian-accent specialist and world renowned “guy who kicks ass”, Sean Connery, did an interview with Scotland on Sunday and reportedly told the rag that he is “considering” returning as Dr. Henry Jones Sr. in the “upcoming” Indiana Jones 4. His exact words were:

“At the moment there’s nothing decided. I haven’t got the script. Everything depends on the script.”

You have to admire that type of indecision.

This latest bit of celebrity career waffling has led to a string of other celebrity “considerations”. TheJay.com has catalogued them for your reading pleasure.

• Paula Abdul is “considering” switching from Long Island Ice Tea’s to the more subdued Green Appletini. The Idol host is awaiting test results on her allergy to being “more sober” before for making a decision.

• John Travolta “considered” turning down a role in the upcoming crapfest Wild Hogs, then realized “Hey, I’m the star of Be Cool and Lucky Numbers. Mediocre studio comedies are what I do”, and quickly accepted the part.

• Lindsay Lohan had been “considering” going to rehab for some time, but only decided to do it when her coke dealer, Sir Smoke-A-Lot, ended his bi-annual 30%-off sale. A source from La Lohan’s camp tells TheJay.com that the “actress” will be released in time to partake in Sir Smoke-A-Lot’s upcoming President’s Day sale.

• Aaron Sorkin is “considering” writing a clever, actually funny, non-patronizing episode of his middling NBC drama Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The wunderkind writer released this comment: “I’m sorry the episodes haven’t been funny to all you reality show loving pea-brains, but I’m too busy to write an intelligent and clever non-crappy episode. After all, MY BROTHER IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AFGHANISTAN!”

• Tombstone star Val Kilmer is reportedly “considering” doing a sequel to the insanely awesome 80’s comedy Real Genius. (Ed note: This one is real, I don’t have a joke here; I just wanted to bring this atrocity to your attention. Can someone please stop this? And I mean now!)

• Last week, Reese Witherspoon “considered” stopping her work as the devil’s apprentice, but was later informed that her contract with Satan runs through 2014 and quickly returned to her evil-making duties. In a related consideration, Ryan Philippe is apparently “considering” doing gay porn. He would of course be the bottom.

• George Lucas is “considering” releasing a Special Edition of Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace. Early research indicates that no one cares.

• Grey’s Anatomy bigot Isaiah Washington is “considering” playing a gay man in an upcoming movie to help improve his tarnished image. In a related consideration, unfairly outed Grey’s co-star T.R. Knight is “considering” a guest star role on CSI so he can bone up on ways to kill a man and not get caught.

• Nice guy actor Will Smith is “considering” playing a villain in an upcoming movie. The Pursuit of Happyness star told reporters: “I want to play a new kind of bad guy; a modern villain. Like he helps an old lady cross the street, but doesn’t give her five dollars for cab fare. He only donates to three charities instead of ten. He litters occasionally. You know, like a really hateful guy.”

• Renee Zellweger is “considering” opening her eyes in public, but recent negotiations have resulted in a standstill.

Any updates on these stories will be posted as they come. But don’t hold your breath.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

Well here’s a nice way to ruin my morning.

People Magazine is reporting that Felicity star (and Top 5 TheJay.com Hottie) Keri Russell is infested with some civilian’s seed (she didn’t even have the decency to get knocked up by a proper celebrity). I’m so upset she’s off the market that I can’t even make up a decent sarcastic comment.

Congratulations to the happy couple. I will now lock my door, watch Eight Days A Week and shake uncontrollably until Heroes comes on tonight (because only Hayden can ease my pain now).

What a bad case of the Mondays.

Bangarang!

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed

All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of stars. Let’s find out what they had to say.

I’ve already documented the actor’s I’ll always pay money to see, as well as the ones I refuse to pay for, but I haven’t looked at unwatchable actors in a while. So here now is another edition of The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors In Hollywood.

Here are the ten movies I saw in 2006 that totally blew my mind. They might not be the “best” movies of the year (I can’t in good conscience say that Jackass Number Two is a “better” movie than Letters From Iwo Jima or Little Children), but each of them entertained, provoked and intrigued me beyond measure.

Let’s skip the token intro and go straight into the awards. I’m bored of recapping 2006 already, and Jack Nicholson hasn’t even gotten drunk at the Golden Globes yet. So here we go (if you want to read the 2005 awards post, CLICK HERE:

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Borat – Aside […]

THINGS I SAW IN 2006 THAT WERE REALLY, REALLY BAD

Here are the ten movies I saw in 2006 that were so repugnant, so foul, so sucked-ballsish, and so full-on poopy that I had to single them out for non-praise. May my soulful green eyes never fall on these abominations of cinema ever again.

My Bottom […]

Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watching, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.

For this, and for the following reasons, Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. Now I’ll admit out of the gate, that as of this writing I have not seen the movie. So this is all conjecture. If the film is terrible, this post will look pretty stupid. But I don’t think it will be. I think it’s going to be the perfect final chapter in one of my favorite film franchises of all time. I think it’s going to be a great last shot from one of my favorite actors. And I doubt that I will love any film more this year, than Rocky Balboa.

THINGS THAT NICOLE RITCHIE COULD HAVE DONE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN DRIVING STONED, AND THE WRONG WAY, ON THE 134

Backing into a police car while freebasing, with one hand tied behind her back.
Drop a female deuce in the community pool and then blame it on the Snickers bar she eat at lunch and […]

However, once burned twice learned, so I’m a little hesitant to drop-kick Lost to the curb after having followed it for two and a half seasons, only to find myself let down by a “the cheerleader is safe, now what” Heroes. So I’m gonna break down the two shows, sticking as much as possible to just the first season of Lost (for fairness sake), to see if Heroes really has what it takes to be the premiere science fiction drama on TV, and my TV geek salvation.

So you probably noticed the new head bar. You like? I thought it was time to give the site a facelift; one that would help initiate new readers into what TheJay.com really is: mainly making fun of celebrities. While the sunset pic was nice, it doesn’t exactly scream “Reese Witherspoon has a squirrel chin!” which is what I want this site to convey.

Truth be told, you weren’t supposed to see me for another couple years or so. Brit was gonna do the comeback thing, and depending on album sales, we were gonna negotiate an appearance fee with the Maloof Brothers for the next time they needed a pub jump for one of their casino clubs.

The one thing I can always count on happening each and every year, besides Nic Cage releasing a movie I hate (congratulations go out to the 2006 entry, Wicker Man… shudder), is going to the movies on Thanksgiving. It’s a family tradition. Big eats and a big movie; a perfect holiday combination. […]

I’ve figured out their tricks. When a comedian wants to prove his worth in a drama all he really does to convey “acting” is lower his voice, tone the hyperosity level down to “5”, keep his clothes on and frown for two hours. It’s a simple switch of facial ticks. Instead of crane lifting their eyebrows to the comedic heavens, they arch them in to convey sadness and/or regret and/ or whatever emotion they think will look good on their Golden Globe nomination clip.

The only surprising piece of news that accompanied the announcement that Britney was finally dropping Kevin on his wife-beatering, bad-rapping, overly virulent sperm-having, lame, dumb-ass was that it took so freaking long to happen. I was astonished it took two years, two poor kids, six tons of Cheetos and stock options in Marlboro Lights for the former pop star hottie to realize she had made a mistake.